A Core Tantric Sex Position: Experiencing Yab Yum For The First Time

OK, A Bit Of A Disclaimer...

This isn’t a how-to guide from an expert in tantric sex. This is my own recollection of the first step I took into the world of tantra and tantric sex with my partner. Please don’t read this expecting it to be a 10-step guide to perfect yab yum. That’s not what I am about. This is what happened to me. I hope it intrigues and possible inspires you to investigate on your own.

One small step

As I began my journey into tantra, and tantric sex, I wasn’t really sure what to expect. Was there some mystical mantra I had to chant (answer: no, at least not yet!). Was there some weird technique or position I would have to master whilst throwing my back out? No, not that either.

In fact, what I now understand, is that tantric sex is a series of different methods, practices and techniques which, when combined, lead to an enlightened state of sexual energy for both partners. And, as it’s a series of different methods, it is possible, at least as far as I am concerned, to practice them in stages, getting more and more used to each of them as you try to combine them to the ultimate end. And for me, the first toe I dipped into the world of tantric sex, was with yab yum.

Now, I want to point out, that when I say ultimate end, I am not saying that sex needs to be goal-oriented. Far from it. Whilst orgasm(s!), for men and women, are an amazing part of all sex, what i’ve come to appreciate is that, with tantra, the way a man, in particular (for I am a man, and therefore only fit to directly comment on that side of things), can be wide, varied and amazing. It does not, at all, have to revolve around ejaculation or orgasm. Indeed, I’ve since experienced feelings way more powerful than the traditional ‘short sharp shock’ of a male ejaculative orgasm. But more on that in other posts to come. For now, let’s look at the very first thing I enjoyed with my partner, a sensual, non-penetrative Yab Yum position.

What Is Yab Yum?

I often like to describe things like this with a quote from Wikipedia, and then go into it from my own perspective. So here we go:

“Yab-yum (Tibetan literally, "father-mother") is a common symbol in the Buddhist art of India, Bhutan, Nepal, and Tibet. It represents the primordial union of wisdom and compassion, depicted as a male deity in union with his female consort. The male figure represents compassion and skillful means, while the female partner represents insight.”

Wow! What a mouthful. Let’s not focus on that too much. It’s a bit academic and a bit boring.

I’ll describe it differently. Yab Yum is a position, for two people, where (in our case, although it can be same sex couples, I am sure) the man sits on the floor cross-legged-ish, and the woman sits on top of his legs, with her own legs wrapped around his body.

I may not be 100% correct here - and anyone who is a tantric expert please feel free to correct me in the comments below. But, effectively, this is the position:


An illustration of the yab yum position from a Buddhist illustration

Obviously this is a very intimate position, so from that point of view alone, with the possibility of gazing into your partner's eyes, this is already a great thing for the man and the woman.

It’s easy to get into, doesn’t require either of you to be acrobatic, and is something you can hold for, literally, hours on end if you want to.

Our first time

I’m very lucky in that my partner is very loving, powerful, feminine and experienced tantric goddess. As a man who is very comfortable in who I am, I have been able, and willing, to embrace her teaching me ‘new tricks’ at all times without fear of feeling like I should be doing all of the ‘stuff’. In this way, our first time in yab yum, was one such occasion and she guided me into something amazing.

I didn’t really know what to expect. I didn’t know if this was going to be the fabled “I’m going to make you come like a girl” moment I had previously been “sold” (during our first date), or anything else. So I was both excited (obviously!) and a little nervous. I’d been thinking about embarking on my own spiritual, tantric journey for many years now, so as a first step on that road, I was extremely keen.

What I found, was one of the most intimate, sensual, loving, and just plain enjoyable experiences I have ever had.

For what seemed like a very long time, although in the scheme of things it was probably not ‘that’ long, we hugged, and stoked, and kissed.

Is that boring to you? I hope not. Because, in all honesty, that was it.  No mammoth sex sessions. No epic penetration mission. No secret technique for men to last hours on end without ejaculating. No. It was pure, simple, intimate, love-making.

Yes, I use that phrase cautiously, because obviously it normally implies penis-in-vagina activity. But I really believe, in this case, that’s exactly what it was. Two people, early on in their relationship, expressing pure, unadulterated, love for each other.


A couple demonstrating
yab yum at a
retreat in India

Yes, it was sexually exciting. But it was deeper than that. I felt energies, of which I wasn’t fully aware at the time, growing and moving around inside of me. A bit like really strong butterflies in the tummy. She would later explain that she was actively moving energy around to add pleasure for us both.

And just kissing (snogging I guess we would call it in the UK, but it was much more than a quickie snog in a pub), for a prolonged period of time in a mindful, conscious way, was fabulous. Teasing each other’s mouths and lips, dipping in for passionate, wet kisses when needed, combined with everything else was simply stunning.

Was I disappointed that I didn’t have an orgasm? In all honesty, no, not at all. I’ll admit openly in my previous life I was very goal oriented during sex. But as I have woken up to new things, and understood much more about myself and my own sexuality, the ‘end result’ or happy finish plays less of a role for me.

In all honesty, my first yab yum was amazing, and it’s still with me today (I have a warm glow inside me as I write this blog post).

Should you try yab yum?

Well, I suspect if you’ve read this far, and indeed found this website in the first place, the answer is yes.

Even if you’re just getting into tantra, and fancy something a little bit new, trying yab yum with your partner and just exploring each other, stroking and caressing, kissing and teasing with the lips and tongue, is a very worthwhile thing to do on it’s own.

What I found was it made me feel so close to my lover, whilst also giving me the sexual excitement I (we) wanted was amazing in on its own. We have since been in yab yum many, many times. But I still remember that first time. When, for me, it was utterly new, and the joy it gave me was simply amazing.

My advice, is to go into it in the right setting. Set the scene for your partner. Explain to them that you’re going to try something new which may, or may not, lead to more ‘usual’ sexual interactions for you. Play some nice music. Light a few candles. And relax down into yab yum. I guarantee it’ll feel amazing and help you on those first few steps towards a more tantric sex life and lifestyle.

Recommended Reading

Tantric Sex and the Kamasutra

Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century

The Complete Illustrated Karmasutra

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